Making My List, Checking it Twice

Some people can keep doing something day after day, week after week, year after year forever, even if it makes them miserable. Sometimes I wish I could be that person, but I'm just not. If I'm not happy with something in my life I feel an overwhelming desire to change it. I start filling notebooks with lists and plans, I start researching. (I wonder how one gets a job in research? I'm a really good researcher.)

I really do not like my job. I want to like it. You have no idea how badly I want to like it. There are actually moments when I love it. Those moments are almost always when I'm doing something unteacher-y, like having a discussion with one of my favorite seniors about why he thinks marijuana should be legal, when what I should have been doing is making him study chapter four in his American Government text. Or talking to a girl Adrienne's age about her new baby, when she should have been reading chapter three in her US History book.

My problem is that the good bits are too far and few between, and the bits that should be the juiciest often aren't. Like an assigned group discussion about whether or not there should be assigned seats in Congress for women that disintegrates into a handful of teenaged boys talking about chicks on the rag.

I worked at the middle school again last week. On accident, because I didn't realize when I took the job that the teacher works at both the high school and the middle school. I actually cried. These kids are so fucking mean. I've never experienced anything like it, except the last time I taught there. They threw things at me, called me names to my face, laughed when I tried to get control. And forty-five minutes isn't long enough to do anymore than cry in anger and frustration.

So my notebooks is filling up with lists and notes. If I start selling on eBay again, I can at least start only taking half-day jobs (which pay as much as full days and are WONDERFUL.) If I open a bookstore, I can stop working as a substitute all together.

There should be some sort of a law about not substituting before you graduate and get your own class. I know in my head that being a regular classroom teacher wouldn't be anything like being a substitute, but I can't get my heart to wrap around the idea of agreeing to do this work.

I still feel like there has to be some way for me not to wake up with dread on the mornings when I have a job. There must be some way to do this job effectively without letting it drain all the joy out of my life. There has to be.

In the meantime, I've started my eBay store again. I picked up a few things, including a whole bunch of vintage patterns which are so cool I hate to part with them, from our local thrift store that I'm starting with. I bought a dress form, because I don't think I want to mess with a model this time around. I might do a maybe once a quarter model shoot, but for the most part I'm going with a dress form. It should be here just in time for me to get home from Las Vegas at the end of the month. I'm going to do books as well this time around, which should add to my income. I bought some from the library's little sale rack last week and have done pretty well with them. I'm getting better and picking books that will make some money. Every time I see a best seller, I want to jump at it, but they print so many of those that they're SUPER cheap to buy on Amazon. Like a penny. It's the unusual titles that do well.

We are definitely renting the other side of our duplex. I'm SO excited. I think Adrienne will have the living room over there for her bedroom and my office will be in the kitchen with my store stuff in the small bedroom. Whoo! The best part is the huge backyard. I get to have a garden this summer. I can't even tell you how happy I am about that. I bought a book called Gardening When it Counts that talks about gardening without the use of irrigation and I want to give that a try. I want to see if I can grow stuff on whatever rainfall we get here. It isn't a lot, but it's not too hot here either so it might be enough. I want a little greenhouse thing too so that I can start seeds outside.