Restless

I feel restless. I feel like something has to happen, but I don't know what. Oil is back up over 97 dollars a barrel. How long can we live in McGill and continue to drive 40 miles a day? We already spend $300 a month in gas. I want a garden, but is it worth while to put one into a rental house that's too small for us and that I'd love to move out of this summer? If we move, then it will be yet another year without a garden. I can't feel settled here, because in the nine months we've lived here, we haven't been in a place that didn't feel temporary.

Kevin wants to move back to Vegas because he keeps getting traffic tickets here. After four or five speeding tickets, (he got them on the highway between Ely and McGill where the speed limit is 60 and when he comes home from work at 3 a.m. no one but cops is on the road), he stopped speeding. Last night he got a $107 ticket for making a right hand turn without a signal.

I do NOT want to move back to Vegas. But I might not mind living in Elko. Or even Logandale where my dad lives. I hate the idea of moving back to extreme heat, though. I just can't do it. Maybe Reno. Or some rural area that way.

I'm torn between wanting to move somewhere beautiful, temperate, green and lush--and wanting to stay nearish to my family, which has all chosen to live in the desert. Jill lives in Idaho, maybe that would work. Maybe I could ignore the fact that it's utterly homogeneous and has zero diversity. Maybe.

I miss my baby. She's visiting her grandparents. For twelve days. I'm going to drive two hours in a little bit here to drop Adrienne and Nick off with their dad for ten days. I feel like I'm supposed to be happy to have some kidless time, but I'm not. I'm going to miss them.

We have no money in the bank, way too much debt, and we have five people in 900 rented square feet. We need a plan. A good one. I'm afraid that 2008 is going to be the year when things really change, and we are not prepared. At the least we need some money, some emergency preparation, and less debt.

Happy Holidays

Yesterday was Kevin's birthday. We went and saw National Treasure 2. If they don't make a third movie and it doesn't tell what was on page 47, I'm going to be very upset. I can't stand cliff hangers. It feels like a gimmick. Make the first movie interesting enough and you can just end it and I'll be happy to see the next installment.

Happy Christmas Eve! I'm off to bake some bread and make my famous baked beans. I hope your holiday, however you celebrate it, is full of family and joy and good food.

Mmmmmmmmm Cookies!

I spent all day baking Chocolate Chip Walnut and Oatmeal White Chocolate Cranberry Nut cookies. And pumpkin bread. Oh yum. I make the best pumpkin bread ever. I mean that. Tomorrow I'm making Mint Cherry Shortbread Cookies that are dipped in white chocolate and so so good. And Coconut macaroons.

I made my grandma's Almond Rocca today too. It's my specialty. Adrienne wants orange peel candy, but I'm not sure I'll have the time or stamina to make it in time for Christmas. Kevin's birthday is tomorrow. We're going to dinner and to see the new National Treasure movie. We have one movie theater here, with one screen, and the movie sometimes doesn't change for two or three weeks. Lucky there's a good one for Kevin's birthday!

His folks are coming to town tomorrow and staying through the day after Christmas. They're taking the baby back to Vegas with them for a few days and Adrienne and Nick are going to visit their dad for their winter break.

That means I have ten days, no kids, no work. I'm going to miss them. I'm going to love being able to write with out anyone pulling on my sleeve. Ten days, ya'll. That's 240 hours.

Book Review: Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire: The Methods and Madness Inside Room 56

Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire: The Methods and Madness Inside Room 56 by Rafe Esquith

I bought this book because I'm in the midst of a sort of crisis of faith. I needed some evidence that there are teachers out there who can connect with children and make a difference. I needed some evidence that, while school is fundamentally a broken system, since nearly all American children find themselves there, a ray of hope exists.

I found it, at least partially, in this book. Rafe Esquith and the kids in room 56 do amazing things. They learn unabridged Shakespeare plays, travel around the country, make gorgeous art. They come back year after the year to the teacher who has inspired them to feed the homeless on Christmas Eve. (Que the violins.) And this teacher. He works double time, literally, making Room 56 magic.

So why did I only find it partially? Because some the wonderful things in Room 56
only happen for the kids who are motivated to make them happen. A kid who isn't into drama or Shakespeare, a kid who would rather not spend his time learning the guitar or doing whatever projects Esquith has designed, are out of luck. His Shakespeare program, for instance, according to the book happens outside of class hours to weed out the kids who don't want to do it. That's fine. But what about the things that they do want to do?

I really enjoyed the book. I read it straight through and decided to keep it for it's references to different projects and ideas. He has a really cool class project where the kids recreate this piece of art. Do I want to be him when I grow up? Maybe if I had a wife to raise my own kids! But I did come away with what I was looking for, a ray of hope.

Books

Well, I sold a bunch of books on Amazon meaning to make some extra money. But did you know that you can set it up so that instead of money you get an Amazon gift certificate? So guess what I've been getting instead of cash. BOOKS!

I'm not sure why I'm such a bookaholic. I just am. My favorite store on the planet is called Acres of Books, in Long Beach. When I was a little girl my dad used to let me go to downtown Long Beach to work with him. I'd spend a couple of hours doing his filing or whatever and then he'd give me $20 and send me to Acres of Books. It was two stories of used books, some of them going back to the stores opening in the 20s. The place was magic to me. I can still smell it. I can remember believing that somewhere in that place might be a book like in the Never Ending Story, or that book whose name I can't remember about the kids who find a book that only lets them read it one page at a time. Some sort of magical book that had been sitting there for fifty years waiting just for me.

The point is, I love books. And I've bought a BUNCH of them with my Amazon money. Some homeschooling books, some are just for me. I'd like to start a list of books that I read in 2008 with reviews. Hardly anyone is reading my site yet, so it's mostly just a list for me. I think I'll start with some that I've read in the past month or so.

What I'd really love to do is start an online book club for people who think like me. Books about the world and our country and the insane things that are going. Environmental issues, economic issues, educational issues. Anyone want to join me?

School

I just ordered my books for next semester. They have to be shipped and because I'm not Oprah, I can only afford to buy used books so I'm dependent on Amazon sellers shipping to me in a timely manner. So I order early, just in case.

I had a thought in the shower today. I want to start my own school. A sort of educational co-op where parents teach classes in subjects that interest them or that they are good at. So I might teach Spanish, history and writing. Someone else might teach math and biology. Someone else might teach guitar, auto shop, painting...whatever. Then our kids can sign up for the classes that interest them. It isn't necessary for the teacher to be an expert, just to have an interest and love of the subject. That'll be the had part to convince my prospective teachers of.

Charge $10 per class. So a one-time How To Make Cookies class would cost $10, but an ongoing Algebra class would cost $10 each time it met. And there could be free stuff, too. Like clubs. The $10 fee could be split between the school and the parent teaching the class. Or parents who agree to teach a class could receive free tuition for their own kids (I teach Spanish and Nick gets to learn how to change the oil in a car.)

If I charge a per-family monthly tuition, that would cover expenses and give me a salary. And maybe it would include a certain number of courses. Or maybe, $10 a class with a minimum number of classes necessary. I am not interested in a school where only the affluent can afford to send their children.

It's just a seed of an idea, but it excites me.

Enjoy

I've posted at my other blog.

Old Lang Sine, Revisited

I get this way this time of every year. I want a change, I want to resolve to do something outrageous, I want to revolutionize my life! I want to lose 100 pounds and write the Great American Novel and get rid of every speck of clutter in my house. And I have a whole YEAR ahead of me. I can do it!

This year I'm really trying for some more down-to-Earth resolutions that will have a more lasting and realistic impact on my life.

1. I want to read all of the books that Sharon at Casaubon's Book has listed in her last couple of posts.

2. I want to figure out how to be a really good teacher. It may not be my life's work, but I can't shake the idea that it might be after all. In one form or another.

3. I want to make some basic preparations this year, because I have this undercurrent of worry that 2008 is going to be the year when we can no longer pretend that everything is going to be okay.

4. I want to take better care of myself and my family. I'm talking about our health. My father-in-law has had a heart attack (when he was only in his 50s) and he has just found out that he's diabetic. My family has a strong history of cancer. My kids deserve a foundation of health.

5. I want to write the book that's been in my head for nearly two years. I need to stop being afraid of it. I'm actually not afraid of it. I'm afraid that I'll get it written and no one will care.

I'm starting with a list of three things I want to do every day in 2008 and three things I don't want to do at all in 2008.

To Do:

Exercise everyday
Write everyday
Get eight hours of sleep every night

Not To Do:

Eat red meat
Drink soda
Yell

If I can just do (or don't do) those six things, what sort of an impact will it have on my life? Will I be healthier? Will I finish my novel? Will my family be happier? God, I hope so.

Don't Tell Me....

If I'm not careful, enough people are going to tell me that I'm not cut out for teaching and I'm going to end up being a teacher just to prove them wrong.

There has to be away to be a successful sub. There just has to be, or no one would ever do it.

Old Lang Sine

I love making resolutions. I don't always (or usually) keep them, but they help me to organize my goals. Also, when I do keep them, it's a big deal for me. Like when I wrote a novel two years ago. Writing The End was an unbelievable natural high.

Here are some ideas I have for my 2008 Resolution List:

Be more aware of what I put in my mouth. (More iron and B and fresh juice, less processed crap)

Continue with my education. By the this time next year I'll have 82 credits!

Write. Just write.

End the year with some money in the bank and less money owed to creditors.

There you have it! What's yours?

Battle Lost, But Not The War

I just logged onto the computer program that manages my substitute jobs and notified them that I was sick and can't work at the middle school tomorrow.

I worked at the middle school today. It was shocking, and I don't shock easily. The kids were blatantly rude and loud and disruptive. The first period that I taught it took me fifteen minutes to take the roll for twenty or so students and I had to send SIX kids to the office. We finally managed to get through a third of the work the teacher left, when the kids came trouping back in saying the vice principal sent them back. Nice support there, Mrs. M.

I haven't ever experienced anything like that. No wonder Nick wasn't able to manage his behavior. All I could think, all day long, was thank God he isn't here anymore. What a nightmare.

Part of me wanted to go in tomorrow and show them that they can't beat me. But I keep remembering someone in that first period class asking if I was coming in for the science teacher today, and then a good half of the class cheering and all but rubbing their hands together sinisterly. Then the same thing happened in the next period. The last period was sixth grade and they have a different teacher. Funny thing is, that class was my reprieve. They are still young enough and close enough to elementary school to quiet down when the teacher raises her hand in the air. I flipped off the lights in the first period and they actually laughed at me.

So they win. This time.

P.S. After only three weeks as a sub, my mind if made up. I do NOT want to be a teacher.

Socially Speaking (or, Don't Kiss Ruby)

I've been thinking a lot lately about Nick and his incredibly poor social skills.

Let me start with an example. Nick doesn't know when enough is enough until it's directly in his face, loud and clear. Say he wants Ruby to give him a hug. She does. But instead of going on about his business, he grabs her, tickles her, kisses her, hugs her again, until she's screaming for him to leave her alone. It's like he can't figure out social boundaries, and so he's always pushing against them. Luckily Ruby adores her big brother and doesn't hold it again him. Imagine the problems he had in middle school, when he'd offer a kid a high five and then tickled, noogied and generally harassed the poor kid until he was told to go away. The saddest part is he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how people view him or how annoyed people get when their personal space is violated.

There has to be a way to teach him social skills. I'm taking this Positive Behavior Seminar. The main point of it is to teach teachers and parents how to change bad behaviors. I'm wondering if it couldn't be tweaked to fit social skills training as well. The main gist is to pick one problem behavior and replace it with a more acceptable (not necessarily perfect behavior.)

So let's take something simple.

The Problem: Nick doesn't listen to Ruby when she says "no" when he asks for a hug or kiss from her. His sustaining consequence is an interaction with his baby sister.

The Perfect Solution: Nick asks Ruby for a kiss, she says "no" and he says "okay" and walks away. His sustaining consequence would be that he was happy to respect Ruby's wishes.

The Acceptable Solution: Nick asks Ruby for a kiss, she says "no" and he pats her on the head instead and walks away. He will still get the sustaining consequence of an interaction with Ruby, while still respecting her right to not want to kiss him.

According to the PBS rules, I need to come up with a "million dollar reward" for Nick for the first few times he uses the acceptable behavior rather than the problem behavior. A reward that's so huge that he can't wait to try the new behavior again to see if he gets the same reward. This is where I run into trouble. For one thing, Nick is nearly impossible to reward (or punish for that matter.) I can't make a big deal about praising him, because it immediately sets off a rebound round of bad behavior. ("Yea, Nick! I'm so proud of you, you rock!" "Yeah right." Followed by a crash and something breaking.) Punishment is also a problem, because first he doesn't take it and then once he does, he forgets all about it and it doesn't have the desired effect. ("Nick, that's it you're off the computer for the rest of the day." Imagine kicking, screaming and a general tantrum for about ten minutes here, followed by Nick forgetting that the computer ever existed.)

He doesn't do well with rewards or punishments, I think because they upset his flow and make him have to struggle to get it back. He does, however, want to know that when he does what he's supposed to someone notices.

So I'm hoping that Nick is old enough and bright enough, that just learning to get along better will be reward enough. With some luck, just a nod or some small notice of his using the acceptable behavior will be enough.

Here are some future social skills that I hope this plan will work on:

Doing something nice for someone without saying "don't I get a thank you?" afterward.

Saying "I'm sorry" properly and with sincerity.

Having a conversation with someone where he looks them in the eye, has a give and take, and doesn't interrupt to talk about something else or ask if the conversation is over yet.

Keeping a comfortable amount of personal space around himself and other people (instead of leaning against someone he's sitting next to, sitting too close, standing too close, etc.)

Autistic people have to learn social skills by rote. Did you know that language is only 7% verbal? That means that 93% is reading tone, facial cues and body language. Autistic people can't do that, so they are only receiving 7 % of the message when someone is interacting with them. Nick can't read Ruby's irritation when he's trying to make her kiss him, until she makes it very verbal and loud. He can't tell when he is annoying someone, so he has to learn by rote which behaviors are annoying and how to avoid them.

What if?

I've had a weird, very strange week. I'm shocked at how quickly substitute teaching has taught me that I definitely want to be a social worker.

I taught math, history and Spanish at the high school. I'm not sure what happened, but somehow I have ended up channeling all the worst teachers I ever had when I work at the high school. I'm mean. I won't let them make a noise. I send them to the vice-principal for voicing opinions. As a result, they hate me. Of course they do. I would hate me, too.

Then I went and taught third grade and elementary p.e. the second part of the week. Those kids adored me. They hugged me and told me I was the best teacher ever and begged me to come back. Whoo, what an ego rush!

What did I do different? I realized that I really was channeling every bad teacher every where, and I changed. I told the third graders that I hate a quiet classroom (which I do.) I let them work together and I let them talk about their work. I played games with them and generally was not as uptight as I was at the high school.

In short: I wasn't afraid of them.

Anyway. Why has this taught me that I don't want to be a regular classroom teacher? Because I could so easily see the progression from eager, curious learners in kindergarten and kids in the third grade who are already losing their ability to think independently. I actually feel sick to my stomach about sending Ruby to school. So I think I won't.

At home, Nick is studying Anne Frank and the Holocaust. I'm struggling to let go and let him do his own thing. It is so hard to resist the urge to micromanage his education and trust that he'll want to learn something if I'm not riding him every minute. I'm trying though.

I'm reading The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn right now and it's amazing. Here's a question. What would you have done if you could have dropped out of high school and done anything you wanted to do with those years? Me? I would have trained for the Olympics, I would have written a novel, I would have taken some college classes. I would have been happy and maybe not had an ulcer when I was still in school.

What about you?

Steaming

This pisses me off.

Why should people be rewarded for being greedy and getting into a house that was beyond their means? We can't even buy a house because so many people did that and now the housing market is so overblown. We could have gotten an ARM loan like the people this new policy will "help", but we were smart enough not to. I guess we should have, huh? Because apparently in this country greed and short-sightedness are rewarded by the president.

Ugh. There is nothing that gets under my skin more than the housing situation. I'm slow to anger, but I'm really frustrated by this. It's going to take decades to sort out the problems in the housing market, and years for the house prices to come back into line with incomes. Even in my tiny town, out in the sticks, housing prices are ridiculous.

We may never buy a house. Mostly because I can not make myself give someone an astronomical profit just for living in a house for three or four years. Nope. We'll wait. The prices will come down. Right now on realtor.com there are about 50 houses for sale in my area. This time last year there were less than 20. There are also a handful of houses for rent, and if you remember even this last summer we couldn't even find one. Yep. The correction will come.

The Mighty Pen

I went to another of the Positive Behavior Seminars that I've been attending for the past four months. Geez, these things really take it out of me. They're so emotional. They shouldn't be, but they are. You know that feeling after you've been crying, when you are just totally emotionally and physically drained and you really need a nap? That's how I feel every month. I don't cry (usually), but I feel like I have been.

I think the best thing to come out of all four sessions came out today. I was talking about how much Nick struggles against writing. He just shuts down at even the mention of writing his own name. And the guy said something like, "so stop making him write."

Hmm. I've been so indoctrinated to believe that Nick MUST write. When I say write, I mean penmenship, not producing prose. But guess what? After more than eight long LOOOOONG years of trying to get him to write, his writing has not improved at all since he learned to write when he was five. And because so much time is spent on trying to force him to physically write with a pen, the grammar and semantics that he could be learning in other ways has been overlooked. So, for now, no more writing. I'm going to look into a dictation program for him, and in the mean time he can type.

I'm working at the high school tomorrow. If I can manage to keep Friday free, I'm going to write. I miss it.

And the Stars Laughed...

I found this chart today. It's the 2007 USDA estimate of food costs. For my family, an adult woman, an adult man, a teenaged girl, a teenaged boy, and a three-year-old, the thrifty plan comes out to $656.90.

I've been trying all morning to figure out what we spend on food each month. I know it's astronomical. My best, conservative estimate for all food (including restaurants) is about $1000 a month.

We spend a lot of money on food that never gets eaten. Especially when we go out of town and I go a little nuts on the produce that doesn't get eaten quickly enough and ends up spoiling. We spend too much money on crap like soda and chips. If we could cut $300 off what we spend, that would go a long way toward paying off our debt and gaining some freedom.

I learned in my economics class this semester about how debt is a form of slavery. It's true. We are forced to work in order to service our debt. It's true that we made the decision to go into debt, so we have sold ourselves into slavery. What a sad, sad state. I want out.

There are only two ways to get rid of debt. Spend less. Earn more. Spend less. Earn more. One more time. Spend less. Earn more.

I've taken a job that pays more for essentially the same work. I figure I'll be bringing home about $500 more per month than I was as an aide. We'll have to pay for health care out of that amount. The best we're going to be able to manage is a high-deductible plan and then be incredibly careful.

We can spend less in a hundred ways. We have so many extras and a zillion minutes on our cell phones...we could cut the bill in half by just reducing to the minimum. If it were up to me, I'd cancel our satellite service. Without it we'd have no TV service at all. There isn't a chance I'll be able to convince the rest of my family, but there might be a way to reduce the amount we pay every month. For instance...we don't really need HBO. We have to keep high speed internet because I take my classes online, and Nick uses the computer for homeschool. We're so rural that without it, we have almost no service.

We spend about $300 a month on gasoline. That figure makes me feel a little sick. We spend a lot less for rent living in McGill than we would in Ely, so take at least $100 off that for the offset. Without moving, I don't see a way to reduce this much. Adrienne takes an early-morning music class before school starts, so she can't take the bus to school. Kevin and I both work in Ely. This summer we might have to look into moving back to Ely.

So I figure if we put our minds to it, we can cut our spending by $500 a month. Add to that the $500 extra I'm making and we should be able to get out of debt relatively soon.

Ah....I can almost hear the Universe laughing at my plans.

A Hodge Podge

I was called to a sub job in a kindergarten room. Good Lord, I am exhausted. That was the hardest job I've ever done. I realized today that I most definitely do not want to work in early education as a career. One day at a time as a sub is one thing, but day after day? No way.

I'm leaning more and more toward social work. Which means about nothing, since tomorrow I could lean the other way. My problem isn't deciding which one, it's giving the other one up.

In other news, I'm watching Biggest Loser. Every week I watch this show and I get this burst of inspiration which goes exactly no where. I have no time to work out. It' s seriously cold here in the mornings and in the evenings. Hell, it's seriously cold here 24/7 this time of year. I can't waste the money or time on a gym membership (I'd have to drive 20 minutes each way to the nearest on. Think of the oil!!)

Oh, the excuses. They are abundant.

I decided today that, instead of thinking about weighing 150 pounds, instead of thinking about losing more than half my body weight, I'm just going to focus on not weighing 300 pounds. That's all. Just 17 pounds. I can do that.

So here are some goals for this week (starting tomorrow. I swear! No excuses.)

1. Take my vitamins.

2. Give those Alli pills I bought a few months ago another try.

3. Focus on moving more. Just getting up and moving around. I'm not going to let all my excuses for not exercising stop me from at least moving around some.

The Boy Makes Chili

Friday was my last day as a teacher's aide. I already have three substitute jobs lined up, all at the high school. Monday I'm going in for the band teacher. I know next to nothing about music, but it should be fun anyway. I'll spend three periods at the middle school and one at the high school.

Tomorrow afternoon I have an IEP meeting for Nick at the middle school. I'll be withdrawing him officially. I talked to the principal on Friday and told him that we were going to homeschool. He asked why, but couldn't really muster any argument. I would be shocked to find out that anyone at the school wasn't relieved to see Nick go. He made them work.

Nick made a meal tonight for us. Chicken chili. It was delicious. Here's his recipe (he adapted it from a recipe he got off www.allrecipes.com)

Nick's Chicken Chili

1 pound boneless skinless chicken, cut into bites
2 14 ounce cans white beans, drained
1 can corn, drained
1 can carrots, drained
1 can whole tomatoes with juice
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
2 T oil
1 T chili powder
2 t oregano
1 t cocoa powder
1 t cumin
1 t paprika
2 t salt
pinch red pepper flakes
pinch black pepper

Heat the oil in a pan and saute the onion and garlic until soft. Put them into your crockpot. Put the chicken in the pan and cook almost through, until golden brown. Put into your crockpot. Add the beans, corn and carrots. Add the tomatoes and juice, cutting up the tomatoes some if desired. Mix in the spices. Cook on high for three or four hours.