Oh God, My Head

My dad is coming to visit this weekend. I'm so excited! The only thing I miss about living in Las Vegas is being close to my family. I'm not all that far now, but trust me when I tell you that four hours of driving in the dead of the desert without even a curve in the road to break it up is mind-numbing work.

I'm excited to see his wife, Nancy, too. They'll be married a year this December. She's a special needs teacher and I'm looking forward to talking to her and trying to get a good grip on whether to choose teaching or social work as my focus at school.

I was talking to my best friend Carol last night about this very topic. She has a way of really focusing me and pointing out the obvious that I'm missing. Her first reaction was to say "be a social worker" without even thinking it over. I already am a social worker, she said. My need to help people, to help them find solutions or better ways to do something, is compulsive. She should know. Her kids go to a fabulous charter school because I went out and found one when Adrienne was miserable in sixth grade and then I spent an entire year convincing her to put her kids there too because I knew they'd love it. They do.

Then I told her that I'd have to do six months of internship for the Department of Children and Family Services, and she changed her mind. She knows that I can't handle confrontation. I actually get sick to my stomach thinking about having to confront people about their maltreatment of their children. When I think about knocking on a door, clipboard in hand, anxiety kicks up and I immediately decide that I REALLY want to be a teacher. There are other jobs for a social worker, of course. I can work as a school social worker, at a hospital or prison, in juvenile justice, as a counselor or therapist. But to get my degree I need to give six months to DCFS, and I'm not sure I can. Also, none of those jobs are available in my tiny town.

I have until this summer to decide. I need to take a biology class, and there are different requirements for each major. The next social work class is only offered in fall and the biology class is a prerequisite. That biology class won't count toward an education degree and I'll have to take a different one if I go that route. I can't apply to the teacher program without having already taken that biology class.

I'm fine with being a teacher right up until I think about not being able to take the next social work class. I want to.

I'm fine with being a social worker, right up until I think about how much I'd enjoy actually teaching. I want to.

I'm reading this book about alternative education settings, and how to set up a charter school. May I'll start my own school that focuses on the things that are red-taped out of public schools. Like teaching children to love learning. Like appreciating that children will love learning if they are free to choose what they learn. Like treating all children, even those with special needs, with respect.

I think what I might end up doing is taking the social-work biology class so that I can take the next social work class--but continuing with my degree in education. I have the time to pursue the education I want, instead of rushing through taking as few classes as possible. My goal is to graduate by the time Nick does, which gives me four years plus a semester.